Obedience is not easy.

One of the things the Lord has taught me in Guatemala is obedience. Blind obedience most of the time. It’s terrifying and freeing all at the same time.

Let’s just say the Lord has been doing a lot recently.

For a long time, the Lord has been trying to mend the problem I have with identity. The Lord has constantly been trying to guide me into an identity in him, but I have been very persistent in not doing that. Sometimes the things of the world are way easier and more comfortable to put your identity, until they fail you. For example, all through high school all I did was basketball. Everything was centered around it. Practices, weight training, and conditioning took up most of my day. My goal: to play basketball in college and to become someone because of it. If I had a good game, I was great. I was an amazing person, I would be on the top of the mountain and be proud of myself. If I had a terrible game, my life was ruined. I would think that was terrible at basketball and that I would never get recruited by anyone. I was in the valley and I thought that I would never come out. This cycle of mountains and valleys happened all through high school. Until my junior year rolled around. My basketball career came to a very abrupt stop after I tore my ACL. My hopes, dreams, and identity lived on me going to college for basketball, then it all got taken away. What was I supposed to put my identity in? I thought basketball would fill that void, and make me feel like I was someone. Instead, I was left with nothing but a bad knee. My identity in basketball had failed me.

The most recent identity filler for me has been beauty and what others think of me.

“If this person likes how I look, then I will be okay. If I get these certain people to be friends with me because I look good, then I will finally have my place in the world.”

People pleasing and beauty were the defining factors in my identity. If I look beautiful and was validated by others that I was, then I was good. If I thought I looked ugly, then I was nobody and I had no value or worth. Those days were really rough. I was always hinging my identity on what others thought. I could never like myself because I was constantly trying to please everyone. I was running around like a chicken with my head cut-off. My identity in my beauty and in people pleasing consistently fail me.

A few weeks ago, a thought ran across my mind.

“What if you shaved your head?”

At the time, I thought that I was going crazy. Why would I want to shave my head? Why would I want to do something like that? I love my hair and how it makes me look so why would I want to get rid of it? I tried to get the idea out of my head, but it always came back. I was so confused. I knew that other people on my squad were shaving their heads, but I had no desire to. But now that was all I could think about. I hated the thought because I loved my hair and I felt like Ihad worked so hard to get it to where it was. Then the Lord hit me with a question.

“What is your identity placed in right now? Me or your hair? Me or the gifts I have given you? Me or the people around you? The creator or the created?”

Well. That hit me like a bus.

I really started to think about it, and it finally fit me. I was putting the creation over the creator. Let me explain. With basketball, I put my worth into the talent I had. A good game meant that I did something right. When it went bad, I was to blame and my talent had failed me. With people pleasing, if I said the right things or looked a certain way for people, then people would love me. If I did it right, it was good. When I wasn’t able to please people or make them like me, then I had no worth because my beauty hadn’t been enough to please them.

The words “my” and “I” have destroyed me. My talent. My beauty. I did this. I did that. Since when has life ever been about me? Since when did my gifts define my worth? When did I start to glorify the gifts given to me instead of the creator who graciously gave them to me.

“What if you shaved your head?” This is what the Lord was telling me to do, turn away from putting your identity in gifts, but instead put it into the one who made them. One who never fails. He never forced me to shave my head, he gave me an option. A chance to be free and walk in a new way of thinking.

So, I shaved it. Was it hard? Yes. Did I cry? Yes. Was it worth it? He is always worth it. Am I still struggling with the old ways of thinking? Yes. Do I trust that if I continue to walk toward him in obedience that he will guide me? Of course.

I didn’t do it to impress others. Lord, I repent if any part of me thinks that this was to impress others. I did this for the Lord. I did this for my identity. I did this to walk in a new life with him. I did this because I want freedom from the identity traps I was in.

Obedience is not easy, yet obedience is so freeing. I hope I will continue to walk in obedience and walk in confidence of the Lord and that he is working all things for my good. Thanks abba.

– Lauren